Time really flies so fast when you’re preoccupied with a lot of things. Last I checked, it was the middle of July and I was still taking care of some things before I started work, and now it’s late August (and I’m still taking care of some things regarding work)! It’s not that I’ve been really busy, since my workplace has a very chill pace (I’m loving it). I’ve just been too lazy to do anything of substance to warrant a blog post. I don’t know. Maybe this blog has developed enough of an identity as something mostly about trips I’ve taken to and dining establishments I’ve tried that I’ve been feeling a bit uncomfortable about writing anything other than places or restaurants.
But in the past few days in particular, I have been itching to write about something… anything, because I don’t want this blog to be idle for a long time, especially now that things are picking up pace at work, and I might find it hard to do some major traveling in the coming weeks.
Anyway, since starting work a month ago, it has been mostly about letting go of some things, coming to terms with a new life, and surviving through it all. This past week, I finally decided to stay in my sister’s apartment near Pasay until I find a cheap place near the Makati Central Business District because the daily commute was wearing me down.
Staying in Pasay allowed me to walk around to unwind, something I wouldn’t be able to do if I had to rush to the LRT to beat the crowds going to Valenzuela. One day I went to Harbor Square beside the Cultural Center of the Philippines, watching a group of men casting their rods to the sea to catch fish while heavy rain clouds hovered above and threatened to drench us anytime. Another day I explored Makati’s Poblacion village and browsed the menus of restaurants, making a mental note of possible venues of future food trips.
Then there was a talk I had one evening with a friend about moving on.
I’m torn between moving on and staying.
What’s making you stay?
I don’t know. It’s like a series of waves. One day you’re fine, and then another day you feel heavy inside.
Yeah, I know how it feels. But do you really have to go? I mean, will it make you feel better?
Maybe. What would you do if you were in my place?
Why are you asking me? But it depends on your motivation. If I really care for the person and I know she’s going through something, I’d help her without expecting anything in return. That is, if doing so won’t do me any harm.
I see. So expectations have a lot to do with it, then. I guess I’m too optimistic. I see the positive in everything. And that means once I see a glimmer of hope, I latch on to it. I guess that’s why I tend to cut off people a lot. To prevent myself from expecting anything.
It’s really tough to expect. That’s part of it. But it’s your decision. Whatever will make you feel good. Whatever you’re willing to sacrifice for her. Just don’t expect anything.
I guess you’re right. Whether or not you expect anything, it will still affect you in one way or another.
That’s because you have feelings for her. As long as you have feelings for someone, it has an effect on you. The question is, what are the things you are willing to do for her, and what are the things you are not? And of course, why?
I don’t know.
But you know, sometimes you have to go through that and feel what you’re feeling to realize the things you are ready to give up and those you are not. Maybe you have to let go of it gradually. Sometimes, the harder you try to move on, the harder things get. We have to feel everything until we learn to accept things slowly. Just go through it.
And you know what? It’s been mostly positive vibes since that talk. I am grateful for friends like her.
The adjustments can still be overwhelming at times, what with all these challenges I didn’t expect. But I’m getting by. All these have strengthened my faith and focus on the goal.
For now, I’ll enjoy a cup of coffee and some Pokemon macarons from Mrs. Graham’s Cafe.